Was I Vulnerable?
The first day of orientation we started out with worship and prayer. To be vulnerable, I didn’t know any of the songs or hymns. I was a little unsure why the Lord had decided that this is where I needed to be, I didn’t really know how to pray other than asking for forgiveness.
As orientation went on we had different people talk to us about the unreached in Asia, their personal testimonies, and their journey with Christ. I noticed vulnerability about each of the speakers, not where it was a weakness or a lack of confidence, it was their humility. I wanted to be transparent to others, but I was so good at hiding my past and pretending my life wasn’t broken that I had become accustomed to being defensive and putting up walls. As the weeks went on, we learned about core values, and humility was one of them. Jesus showed me how He wanted me to humble myself and be honest not only with others but to Him and myself. I struggled with the thought of sharing all my faults and failures and my past with other people, especially people in the Body of Christ.
I was afraid that my classmates wouldn’t understand or that they would think I was some awful person. A week passed by and one of the girls in my class invited all the girls in our class for testimony sharing, I was so nervous I prayed about going and sharing my story. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to tell my new classmates about my past, I really struggled with this but then I realized that this was a chain of bondage that the enemy had over me. He had allowed me to believe that I wasn’t good enough to be saved, or tell my story with other believers because they would judge me.
When I looked to the Lord though, He told me I am worthy and this is a testimony of how mighty I am to save and how He delights over me and everyone who loves Him. I realized that I wouldn’t change if I didn’t speak up, and fill myself with humility and be vulnerable.
Before our testimony time, the Lord gave me courage and I was able to tell 4 girls my whole testimony before the official meeting, it was freeing and I was surprised with the reactions. I got hugs, and tears, and prayers of love. The official time came and I was so surprised about some of the struggles I had in common with other girls and I was the last to share. How I felt afterwards was indescribable. I felt lighter and not so heavy burdened.The Lord let me feel the freedom of humility. The girls reactions were nothing I expected. I was told I was beautiful and what an amazing story I had and how amazing the Lord is and how much He loved me. I received so many hugs, it was one of my highlights of my time in School of Discipleship. For the first time I understood the beauty of being in the Body of Christ. That’s what School of Discipleship has been so far for me, freedom to live in a community that is Christ centered, living within a body of Christ. I have the opportunity to learn from people who are filled with graciousness and Christ’s love. I have never once felt like I was being judged or I wasn’t “holy” enough. Everyone’s walk with Jesus is a lifetime commitment and I’m learning skills that will help me keep going no matter what I do. I am so thankful that the Lord has brought me here, and being in a place of constant encouragement.
“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.” ( 1 Timothy 1:15-17)
Hi Friends,
We are looking forward to celebrating God’s faithfulness in our students lives. Our Canadian School of Discipleship will be having their graduation this Friday, December 19 at 2:30 p.m. EST. We encourage you to stream in.
Click here to watch the graduation
With joy in Jesus,
School of Discipleship Team
Hi Friends,
We are looking forward to celebrating God’s faithfulness in our students lives. Please join us this coming Tuesday, December 9 at 4 p.m. as we rejoice in what God is doing in students lives.
Click here to watch the graduation
With joy in Jesus,
School of Discipleship Team
As my year at School of Discipleship draws to a close, there is the ever-present question of “what’s next?” or “what is God’s will for my life?” According to God’s word, I do know that “God’s will” is just that–“God’s will.” This means not my will–which ultimately means a total abandonment of self and all self-interests and the total consecration to the Lordship of Christ in my life!
As I have pondered the various ways in which I could legitimately lay down my life for Jesus and the gospel sake, the Lord told me to read Matt. 28:18-20. “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth… Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations…” I had read this passage so many times and yet this time it stopped me and got me thinking really deeply concerning Christ and His eternal glory. As I felt the Spirit urging me to commit my life to pioneer missions amongst the unreached, especially to nations and peoples that don’t have any local witness, I questioned God by asking, “Why should I go? I mean, of what use am I to foreigners who will think me weird? And besides, I am not adequate to go anyhow.” The reply was very clear… “All authority has been given onto me”
“JESUS IS WORTHY!” This is the reason why I should go no matter how high the cost. In fact, the greater the price I am to pay to follow Him, the more precious and glorious He will become! The absolute Sovereign Lordship of Christ and His supreme glory over all the nations is what makes this such a “GREAT COMMISSION!” My only response can now be… “Here am I! Send me.” (Isaiah 6:8)
A Wounded Heart’s Reflections on Growing Up
As I was reading a blog recently, I was taken aback by one of the opening statements:
“Most of us had absent fathers.”
Piercing. Piercing, because I am a part of that “most.” I was raised by a very strong and capable woman, was loved and provided for and never wanted for any physical needs, so why, I wonder, do I feel a such a deep void in my life today that stretches back to my childhood?
The answer is simple, but complicated: it’s because dad wasn’t there. Dad, like many men today, was a victim of his own poor upbringing, and through substance abuse, checked out early – way too early. He checked out so early that he never got to see either one of his boys walk an aisle past preschool graduation. He wasn’t there when I had my heart broken for the very first time, when I won my first wrestling match or when I got my driver’s license. He wasn’t there to congratulate me for doing well in school, for making good choices or for getting my first job.
Worst of all, he wasn’t there to show me how to be a man. I never learned what a loving husband looks like, or how a man is supposed to lead his family. So here I am, 18 years after his death wondering,
“What in the world am I supposed to do now?”
Not that I’m married yet, I’m not, but I suspect it’s not far down the road.
Taking nothing away from my mother, who was and continues to be amazing, there are just some things moms aren’t designed to do, and being a dad is one of them. Thankfully, mom was there every time dad wasn’t. My gratitude to God is continually increasing for that.
Dad’s gone. I’ve accepted that. What I’m now trying to accept now is that although I think I’m fatherless, I’m not. I’ve had a Father all along, just one that I can’t see with my physical eyes.
One of my goals coming into my second year of the School of Discipleship was to learn what it means to be a biblical man. I’m in awe of the faithfulness of God not only to put that desire in me, but to father me by teaching me what He has about manhood, and in the process, restoring to me what I’ve missed out on all these years. He’s brought men into my life that are committed to loving and investing in me. God is a God of restoration.
On this short journey, I’ve seen many things that have depressed and elated me. I’ve seen the standard for manhood: Jesus Christ, the perfect man who was tender, yet intrepid. In His zeal for God, he stood against corruption by clearing out swindlers who were defiling God’s house, yet had compassion on all who needed Him. He touched lepers and welcomed children, but didn’t shrink back from the agonizing pain of torture, and selflessly laid His life down for a creation that scorned Him.
That’s a big God.
What are the positives that I’ve seen on this journey? I’ve seen men embrace their role to serve and represent Jesus in their weaknesses and shortcomings, trusting in God to give them the courage they need to do their God-given duties. I’ve seen God respond to that trust by making otherwise incapable men capable of doing great things and commanding great respect from people in the process.
I’ve seen men who love their wives and kids, and demonstrate patience and gentleness with them, which is nothing short of a testimony to God’s power and faithfulness.
On the other hand…
I’ve seen men afraid to embrace their faults and failures and run away from the valorous calling that God gives to all men – to lead, take dominion, and demonstrate God’s strength and love to a hurting world.
I see men in their twenties behaving the way they did in their early teens because there was no man before them to demonstrate godliness.
I’ve seen young men hurt by dads who were there, but weren’t really there. Passivity is the easy thing to do in the home, and sadly, most men that are given responsibility over families have taken that route. I’ve seen men domineered and controlled by their wife or kids because they don’t feel like they’re capable of leading well.
I’ve seen young men find their value in things that aren’t Jesus. They look to young women for affirmation, potentially causing damage to them and the women by not guarding their hearts. They look to friends, to self, but not to Jesus. Insecurity and self-focus abounds as a result, which perpetuates the behavior of looking for value outside of Jesus.
Perhaps the worst part of all of this is when men, both young and old, out of emptiness, longing, and desperation, prey on women or scour the internet to feed their sinful passions. This is the deepest distortion of masculinity known to man – taking what is sacred, and perverting it because of selfish desires. Men, who should be protectors, become the ones who take captives.
May I please humbly say that I am aware of these things because I in some measure represent or am prone to all of them?
Despite fatherlessness devastating a generation, I think God is doing something in the hearts of men today. I believe God is restoring true masculinity to the church by starting with individual men and teaching them to live and to lead their families according to His Word. I believe God is moving in the hearts of men in this generation to give them something to fight for: God’s glory. He’s letting us know that we’re not fatherless. We’re not orphans. We’re sons, because God has adopted us and is recreating us in His image. Our value and worth are in Him, simply because He values us enough to give everything to purchase us (Matthew 13:44-46).
Men, we may be weak, insecure, and afraid, but we are strong, because God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. Our shortcomings aren’t barriers which keep us from Jesus, but are bridges to Him. We were made to fight. We can’t waste our lives on things that don’t matter. We can’t spend ourselves on the metaphors of sports and video games as substitutes for what’s real: struggle, battle, adventure, hard work, and most of all, victory.
Sure, we men try too hard to be strong and pretend like we’ve got it together because most of us are insecure. Am I doing that right now as I write this blog post? Probably, but I’m slowly learning that my strength IS my weakness, because, God’s power is made perfect in my weakness, and even in my failure, He is to be glorified and praised for the mercy and love He shows us, in spite of what we’re not or fail to be.
Please, pray for me, and for all men. Please pray that God would give us grace to humble ourselves and be okay with the fact that in God’s economy, manpower accomplishes nothing. Please pray that God will allow men to see that Jesus is better than anything this world has to offer. Pray that God will allow us to see that His grace is sufficient for us, and that it’s okay to be weak, so long as we never use it as an excuse to justify sin.
By God’s grace, let us be a generation of men who can give to others what wasn’t given to us.
Lord, only You can make a man. I’m just a little boy, but I want to be a man. Would you please do this for your sake, Father, please? Help us to love you and to know that you are better. Our hearts wander and are so easily enraptured by everything except You. Show us how you love us, and show us how to be like You, and to love people like You do. Make men out of this generation of boys who don’t know how to live selflessly and sacrificially. Make us brave in the face of uncertainties and chaos. Teach us how to make order, and teach us to trust you to find the courage we need to move forward, despite not knowing what to expect. We don’t know what we’re doing, Abba. Show us what Jesus did for us, please Lord. For your name’s sake, and for your glory’s sake, Father, please, do this. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
I find that a lot of my problems arise from me worrying. I tend to focus my sight on my circumstances, problems, and even myself a lot more than I do on Christ. These instances were never fruitful and always left me depressed or distraught. I don’t know why we (I’m speaking mostly for myself) allow these things to take our sight off of Christ. If we were to account for all of the innumerable moments God displayed His faithfulness in our lives, fear and worry would be nonexistent when difficult trials came our way.
This has been, and continues to be, a lesson the Lord so faithfully teaches me. Fix my Sight. Do I believe and trust in Him even when all seems to be lost? Do I have enough faith to believe that He is sovereign over everything? Apparently not. But I’m grateful the Lord has brought this to my attention. It allows to me to acknowledge my weaknesses and shortcomings and humbly come before Him asking for His grace and strength. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, and this encourages me to continue to fix my eyes and heart on Him evermore. He is faithful, and He answers prayers.
Fixing your sight is the first step to being grateful and steadfast. It acknowledges the one who is sovereign over all things, and it dissipates the cloud of fear that so often blinds us. When we abide in him and walk in his light, darkness has no place. When we fix our sight on all that he is, when we gaze upon the beauty of His majesty, and when set our hearts on Him, there is an overwhelming sense of joy and peace that surpasses all understanding. I thank God that He has taught me this lesson through the awesome leaders and staff here at School of Discipleship. Brian, one of the teachers here, put it in a way that resonated with me. I pray this is as encouraging and uplifting to you as it is to me.
“We can get to a point in our lives where we see a fork in the road and start to worry about which way we are supposed to go. We don’t realize that if we are walking with Jesus step by step, there is no reason to worry. He is either going to go one way or another, and we just have to follow Him faithfully.”
Fix your sight on the Lord!
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