“After 10 billion trillion years those in hell will scream saying, ‘I want to die,’ ‘I want to die,’ that’s all, not even for a drop of water, they just want to die! And the answer comes again, and again, and again ‘You shall never die,’ ‘You will never die.’ That is the fate of multiplied billions on planet earth. And you and I say ‘Jesus I love you!’ And I tell you what; if we can believe what we say we believe with our lips, it will revolutionize our life, it wil turn our lives upside down.” – K.P. Yohannan
The dictionary is filled with hundreds and thousands of definitions. However, I can’t pick up good old Webster and ask him to define me.
Recently I found myself thinking I was defined by my circumstances, my job, my ministry and my abilities. I then began to compare those definitions of my life to the expectations, ideas and opinions of others. The results from doing that were completely negative. Not only was my focus on myself , I sought to put others opinions over that of God. That led to self pity. Needless to say I allowed myself to become distracted and discouraged.
(sidenote: when the theme of your life is SELF there is only misery and grave disappointment)
Thankfully God reminded me of His beautiful Truth is: I am defined ONLY by Him (His work in me and His purpose for me) and that at times others can’t see or understand what He is doing.
So next time anyone seeks to put you in a box of their own making , try’s to define you with flat and pathetic words, measures your success with their short and crooked measuring stick; or when you find you’ve done it to yourself-Remember the One who knit you in your mothers womb and knows the number of your days. Keep all focus on Him and all value on His opinion , because in Him all joy abounds.
“While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jarius, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother the teacher anymore?” Over hearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid just believe.” Mark 5:21-43
This summer I went into my three month internship with some expectations. Some of them were met, others were not. Having been at Gospel for Asia for a month last year, I did not expect to be out of my comfort zone as much as some of the other interns. Boy, was I wrong.
Everything was going well until one day we went to Celebrate Freedom. There we were to pass out the new No Longer a Slumdogbooks. To be honest, I was scared and I told another intern straight out, “I don’t think I can do this.” Now, I’ve been at multiple events in the past representing Gospel for Asia but this time I was intimidated because I actually had to STOP people who wouldn’t normally stop at this kind of booth. I was really insecure about this. After our group prayed to God though, it was almost as if He was strengthening all of us to go on and I noticed as my time went on, I became more and more excited about passing out the books.
Once I was in the airport over the July 4th weekend, and I saw this man sitting by himself on the other side of the terminal. God kept on pushing me to go and talk to Him, and each time I said “no” the conviction I needed to go over there got stronger and stronger. Eventually it go so strong, I knew I had to go and talk to him. So I went over and sat with Him and started asking Him some questions. I knew God wanted me to give Him a gospel tract, but I went away before being able to give him a Gospel tract. I was too afraid.
God, as He always does used my failure as a time of teaching. He comforted me saying, saying, “Even though you fail, I still love you.” That really boggled my mind a lot.
Also during this time, I came to the place in Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll where it talked abouat not fearing being the most common command of Jesus. This greatly encouraged me during this time.
I’m still not perfect. God will continue to challenge me to get out my comfort zone, as he challenges all of us in our weaknesses. Yet, one thing I do know, God will work through us as we turn to Him whether through our weakness our strengths.
For the past year or so, I’ve been praying continuously for God to break me so that what I feel on the inside, in my Spirit, could be freely expressed (without shame) on the outside, specifically in the form of crying. Not so that I can act spiritual, not so that I can be proud about my emotions and what the Spirit is doing in my life, but so that I can freely express what God is placing on my heart, to be transparent with my brothers and sisters in Christ, to show God’s love so fully with others that they can clearly see Him in me. I don’t want God to be clouded through me, I desperately want others to see the fullness of His love, His grace, His mercy, His passion for the lost and dying in this world in and through me.
The other night while I was reading through Release of the Spirit, by Watchman Nee, my heart was broken. It was aching so tremendously for my unsaved family, friends, and those I don’t know. Just knowing that without Christ, without accepting His Truth, they are on a pathway that will lead them to Christless eternity. In that moment, I wanted to weep for them, I wanted to let them see the pain that I felt. That if they could truly see how much I loved them, that maybe, just maybe they would see and understand the Truth. That they would be saved. To experience God like I have, His unconditional love, His constant companionship, His never-wavering comfort and Truth. Oh how I want them to see and understand! But still, no tears were shed on the outside.
I told this to one of my friends via text and they mentioned that God loves them more than I ever could. Those weren’t the exact words, but the message is the same. Just thinking of how much I was aching for them to experience, know, understand, and believe the Truth, and then knowing God’s aching is infinitely greater than I can even contain in my weak human existence. Oh my goodness! If only they knew! If only they knew that the very God that created the heavens and the earth, the very God that formed them in their mother’s womb, the very God that sent His ONE AND ONLY Son to DIE for OUR sins wants them to know how much He desperately loves them and wants to be loved by them. If only I could show them… they have NO IDEA how great His love is for them.
I’m thankful that God is working in my life to break my heart for the lost world in a way I wasn’t expecting. I’m so blessed to know that He loves me, ME, the very person whose sins nailed Him to the cross nearly 2000 years ago. To know that even though I feel this way, He feels it greater than I, but He allowed me this little glimpse into His heart. I know that God will give me the ability to cry again. I know that those I’m praying for by name will come to know the Lord. It’s only a matter of His perfect timing. And that I am willing to wait for.
Thanks for reading, If you have any thoughts or comments, please comment on the post. Thanks!! I love you all! and God loves you even more!
Today I was in the airport flying from my internship with Gospel for Asia. I was observing all the people walking by, and I was thinking “All these people are going to Hell unless they believe in Jesus.” I was too afraid to say anything about it, or to pass out Gospel tracts to the people passing. The first plane I was going to be on got canceled due to technical problems, so I decided to put a Gospel tract on my seat. I hope someone picks it up and comes to know Jesus through it.
Anyway, I got on the plane and I was sitting a woman. I don’t know her name. I started talking to her a little bit just about the weather and about where we came. I sensed God wanted me to give her a Gospel tract, but I kind of brushed it off. She started reading a magazine. Midway through the flight I was still thinking about giving a Gospel tract to her. I excused myself from sharing a Gospel tract at that time, by thinking “I don’t care about sharing the Gospel at this time. I just want to sleep.” So I went to sleep, because I was tired. I woke up, and the thought that I wanted to give her a Gospel tract came back. This was an hour long flight, so at this point I did not have much time to give it to her. So I prayed to God, “Father, please give me an opportunity to share this with her.” Finally at the end I gave the Gospel tract to her and what she said blew me away. It was a Charlie Brown, “What is Christmas all About?” tract and she told me she appreciated it and she would share it with her grandsons.
The reason why I share this, is because often times when I am in a situation where God calls me to share the Gospel with someone I fail a lot. Most of it is due to my self centeredness and not wanting to get out of my comfort zone for the sake of Christ. It is important to remember it is only through Christ’s strength we are able to share the Gospel with others. Without His strength we are not able to do anything and will often times get frightened like I did. It is only when we listen to God’s voice not Satan’s or our own voice we are able to serve Jesus.
I do not want to make the impression we have to go around feeling guilty every time we fail. Those times we fail (even though He has told us to go tell some one), God is so gracious to forgive us time after time. I know God forgives me for those times I have a careless attitude and fail to obey Him. At those times, he picks me back up and tells me to keep going and to fix my eyes on Him. It’s almost as if God breathes His love back into me and empowers me to keep on going.
One day while flipping through the TV channels I came across a show called “River Monsters.” In this particular episode they we’re trying to figure out if it were possible for a New Zealand eel to kill a grown man. There had been reports of sheep, horses and even children, being attacked. The one thing they couldn’t figure out, is how these eels, while not having gigantic jaws or teeth, could tear the flesh right off of an animal or human being. They put the carcass of a deer into the shallow waters and fixed cameras underwater to see what would happen. What took place next shocked the host. The eels would grab hold of the deer’s flesh and begin spinning violently, (like a drill-bit) until chunks of flesh would begin to tear and eventually rip completely off the carcass!
In God’s Word we are told to live by faith. This is not a blind faith, where you just close your eyes and “hope for the best.” It is a faith based on the absolutely dependable character of who God is and the promises He has given to us. When you go through Hebrews chapter 11 you read about the lives of the men and women who were commended for their faith. They all had one thing in common: they grabbed onto the promises of God with all their might and would not let go. You could say, “They had faith like a New Zealand eel.”
Even now you may be facing doubts about your own work, family, friends or personal struggles. Let us trade in those doubts, through prayer, for the promises of God. And let us hang on to them for deer life (pun intended).
Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. Psalms 31:24
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