Aug 13, 2011
For the past year or so, I’ve been praying continuously for God to break me so that what I feel on the inside, in my Spirit, could be freely expressed (without shame) on the outside, specifically in the form of crying. Not so that I can act spiritual, not so that I can be proud about my emotions and what the Spirit is doing in my life, but so that I can freely express what God is placing on my heart, to be transparent with my brothers and sisters in Christ, to show God’s love so fully with others that they can clearly see Him in me. I don’t want God to be clouded through me, I desperately want others to see the fullness of His love, His grace, His mercy, His passion for the lost and dying in this world in and through me.
The other night while I was reading through Release of the Spirit, by Watchman Nee, my heart was broken. It was aching so tremendously for my unsaved family, friends, and those I don’t know. Just knowing that without Christ, without accepting His Truth, they are on a pathway that will lead them to Christless eternity. In that moment, I wanted to weep for them, I wanted to let them see the pain that I felt. That if they could truly see how much I loved them, that maybe, just maybe they would see and understand the Truth. That they would be saved. To experience God like I have, His unconditional love, His constant companionship, His never-wavering comfort and Truth. Oh how I want them to see and understand! But still, no tears were shed on the outside.
I told this to one of my friends via text and they mentioned that God loves them more than I ever could. Those weren’t the exact words, but the message is the same. Just thinking of how much I was aching for them to experience, know, understand, and believe the Truth, and then knowing God’s aching is infinitely greater than I can even contain in my weak human existence. Oh my goodness! If only they knew! If only they knew that the very God that created the heavens and the earth, the very God that formed them in their mother’s womb, the very God that sent His ONE AND ONLY Son to DIE for OUR sins wants them to know how much He desperately loves them and wants to be loved by them. If only I could show them… they have NO IDEA how great His love is for them.
I’m thankful that God is working in my life to break my heart for the lost world in a way I wasn’t expecting. I’m so blessed to know that He loves me, ME, the very person whose sins nailed Him to the cross nearly 2000 years ago. To know that even though I feel this way, He feels it greater than I, but He allowed me this little glimpse into His heart. I know that God will give me the ability to cry again. I know that those I’m praying for by name will come to know the Lord. It’s only a matter of His perfect timing. And that I am willing to wait for.
Thanks for reading, If you have any thoughts or comments, please comment on the post. Thanks!! I love you all! and God loves you even more!
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Jun 29, 2011
Lately I’ve felt tired. Not just tired physically, as that is fairly normal in my life; but tired emotionally, spiritually, and mentally as well. So on all fronts. It’s not very encouraging. Although this is how I am feeling, I can see God’s faithfulness through it all. No matter how far I fall, God is always there to pick me up again, dust me off, and let me know that He’s there if I want to depend on Him. Thing is, I don’t depend on Him enough. I want to, and in my head I know that is what I should be doing, but I find it hard to trust God with EVERY aspect of my life. Which is silly; who am I to NOT trust the God of the universe, that cares about me so tremendously that He chose me; to serve Him with my life? He gave me my life, why shouldn’t I stop doing, and give that life back to Him to use as He pleases?
Today I was working on assembling a 1000 piece puzzle my mom got me for Christmas. It’s a tough puzzle, and hard for me to zip through like I normally do with puzzles. And as I was mulling over my thoughts of how tired I am, and how God has ALWAYS proven faithful to me, He gave me a thought. I had thought about it before, but I never put two and two together. Life is like a complicated puzzle. Can be frustrating, tough, and down-right tiring. Not to mention you can’t tell how this mess of pieces will fit together to make the promised image at the end. You just have to trust that as one piece at a time is placed in it’s rightful place, the end image will be, in my case, Starry Night by Van Gogh.
Life is like that. A big messy puzzle. As God places each of the scattered and broken pieces of my life (mind, body, spirit) back together, I have to trust that the end image will be like He promises in His Word (Phil 1:6-11, Col 2:10-14, Heb 13:20-21, etc). Even though all I see is each teeny tiny piece that is being placed, how strange and kinda ugly it looks incomplete, I can trust God. He sees the whole picture. He knows what it will look like in the end. All I need to “do” is stop worrying, stop trying to prove myself, stop trying to work in my own strength and believe God’s promises. I need to stop looking at all the empty parts in the puzzle of my life and start looking again at what God has brought me through, what He’s already built in my life. I can praise Him for that. That little bit of the full picture I see, I can praise Him that He will complete it. That the end result is something that I can’t even begin to imagine in the best of my creative thoughts.
How great is our God that He cares enough to put together my life! I need to stop telling Him where to put the puzzle pieces, stop telling Him not to place a piece in certain places, and I need to stop trying to put together my own puzzle! What chaos would it be if the puzzle I was working on, had a mind of it’s own and tried to put itself together?! It’s be a mess! I’d have to take pieces out, to place the correct pieces in. I’d move things around, and if the puzzle kept trying to “help” me, I’d probably get frustrated with it and give up! Thank the Lord that He doesn’t give up on me. So often I feel like that rebellious puzzle that tries to assemble itself without really knowing where pieces go, but so certain they go in this specific spot. Sometimes I’m so certain that a piece goes in one place that I’ll mush it till it fits, and then maybe glue it so it’s more secure. But that makes for a more painful “fix” for me when God comes in to put that piece where it really belongs.
I need to let God put my puzzly life together, and get out of the way.
Anyway, that’s my head at the moment. Thanks for reading.
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May 6, 2011
I’ve been learning a lot about God lately. So I’d like to share with you what that happens to be. It is still a forming thought, and emotion, and understanding of God, but that doesn’t mean I can’t share it with you all. If you’ve learned this, or have something to add as well, please comment. 🙂
I have had a lot of messed up ideas and thoughts about what love is, how it applies to me, how it should flow through me to others, and God’s unfailing, unconditional love. God has as He promised used everything for good – Romans 8:28.
There are still scars in my heart that are in the mending process. Therefore, knowing that my view of love was messed up, I decided to go through the Bible from the viewpoint of God’s love and how He expresses it, all the while praying for God’s love to fill me and overflow on others around me.
God has been so faithful! Each time I read His Word, I see time and time again, either His patience with the Israelites (who I tend to replace with myself as I tend to do a lot of the same things they do), or the way Jesus interacted with others through His time here on earth, and also through David’s love of God and vice versa in the Psalms. He’s rebuilding the passion and love and such that I’ve longed for, for Him. And through the love He’s building in me for Him, I am learning how to love others with that same love that dwells inside me. It seems so natural to do!
After I realized that, I started praying for Him to rebuild my view of what a father is like. Because I never had the correct perspective. But God is my Father, and He treats me as such. and so He’s been showing me, through His love, and through filling me with Him, and through blessing me in relating to me on my level (through nature, what I see, observe, and hear, etc.) that I now know what a Father is supposed to look like.
He’s slowly making me more childlike in faith, believing for the impossible, knowing and fully believing that He can do it all. He’s my super hero (cliche, I know, but like a child looks up to their Daddy as being able to do ANYTHING, that’s how I’m seeing God; and unlike an earthly father, God can actually do it!). It’s sooooooo simple, but I made it more complex than it needs to be!
anyway…. still a work in progress but wanted to share it with y’all. Please comment on this! I wanna see how God is working in your lives in this way as well! See what you have discovered about our Daddy, what you’ve learned of His love, and how He flows from you to others around you.
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Apr 23, 2011
Working in Web, I have the privilege to watch so many ideas form and get put into play through developmental meetings and such. Plans to improve the way we do things now to better suit what we are trying to get across to people. In my mind I find myself thinking, “Wow! This will be awesome! Maybe this has to happen first before Jesus comes back….” but then I realized…that’s a very common thought that I have. It takes many forms, like maybe I’ll get married before He comes back, or maybe I have to live on my own before He comes back, or maybe I’ll grow old before He comes back, etc.
But no…He could come back ANY SECOND! No one knows the time or season. Which makes me wonder…
Am I okay with leaving behind those plans, those ideas? Am I holding these ideas above my joy of Jesus’ return? Feels kinda like parable of the servant that’s waiting for the masters return and the servant that’s too busy to care. I keep thinking, I’ll get this done before He returns, but I never know WHEN He will return, so why do I fuss about making plans and then looking forward to those plans when I should be looking forward to Christ’s return?
I think that’s just one of the many lies of the enemy that I was fooled into thinking and believing. But I am learning to rebuke the enemy when I think thoughts like that to get my focus more on Christ and His return than my “plans for the future and make things better ideas”
Jesus is coming back. Soon! I need to get my focus off of myself, and look more towards what God is doing. Look at the growth of the church in Asia, in Africa… God is moving so miraculously, and I’m more focused on what the future holds for me than what God wants me to do right now for His glory. Time is short. We don’t have much longer. We need to get our act together and share the Gospel at any opportunity.
Praying for you all! I hope this encouraged you to step out like it has for me.
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Apr 8, 2011
A few weekends ago, I had the privilege to go camping with some other Gospel For Asia staff members. It was an awesome weekend and I learned a lot, and in some ways that I never expected to learn them. Here’s what I learned.
Some of us went fishing. The patience required is much like when you’re waiting on the Lord. You cast your line, in faith, and you wait. You don’t know what’s next, or what’s going on below the water. You just have to be prepared for what could happen next. God’s given us a whole book of instruction, and we even have the instructor living inside of us! We need to be ready and prepared to act when God says to go. Back to fishing… If you get a catch that’s like an answer to prayer, you need to then reel it in so it doesn’t get off the hook, Likewise, even if you don’t get a catch, that’s yet another answer to prayer, you then have to reel in your line and re-cast. God knows what you need, when you need it. So don’t be disappointed when you don’t get the “catch” you want, and when you want it…
I also learned a lot about trust. During the weekend, we went rock climbing and ended up stranded on top of a 35 foot rock formation in the dark. So I learned to trust people that I don’t know very well and it was scary at first, but after a while I learned that I am safe with the rope and harness and someone who knows what they’re doing up top. God’s provided us with all that we need for the tasks He gives to us. He doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle in His strength. That’s like our rope and harness, and God’s up top knowing exactly what He’s doing, all He needs us to do is sit back, and trust Him to get us to our destination safely.
God is good isn’t He? 🙂
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