Wow, what a year! As I reflect and look back over my time here as a GFA School of Discipleship (SD) student, I am just amazed by what the Lord did in my life. And I look forward for Him to continue breaking me, molding me, and creating me into what He wants me to be, leading me where he wants to go.
One of the biggest things I saw and experienced while being here has been the power and presence of God displayed so evidently here. He is definitely at work through this ministry! First off would be the most important and effective way – prayer. We pray a lot here. Someone once told me when I first got here, “We don’t plan prayer around our day, but we plan our day around prayer.” This is so true! And it is such and joy and encouragement to get to be a part of those (many!) prayer times, and then get to see God answer them. This year definitely grew my faith in prayer. Even in my personal prayer life and relationship with the Lord.
Another way I know God is at work with GFA is by getting to hear some of the staff’s personal testimonies and hearing how God is working in their lives personally and as they serve at GFA. And another way is through hearing stories and reports from the field. God is for sure working and saving so many people’s lives in Asia! But ultimately, I know God worked in my life so much! I know He still has so much to do, but He has also brought me so far. He broke my selfish flesh in areas I didn’t know needed broke. He taught me how to have grace for people – even when they fail. We all fail, including me. So, God has shown me to have grace on myself when I make mistakes, and to give grace to others, because He has given us such amazing grace.
God taught me how to live in a community with other people. We’re all different and unique, but we all have one thing in common: to serve Christ and advance the Kingdom of God. He showed me how to love these people for who they are – none of us are perfect – like He loves us, even if it takes a cost.
God showed me how to be fully content and joyfully serve Him, wherever He places me. To be honest, staying in the IT Department for my second vocational training assignment was hard at first. But God helped me to totally overcome that! I am so thankful for the team I got to serve alongside. I truly love those people!
God grew my trust and faith in Him so much! Not having my SD Tuition fully funded and losing my one and only monthly supporter was really hard. But I prayed a lot about it, and finally got to the point of having peace in the Lord, knowing that He was going to provide because He always does. He is so faithful! Building this faith in Him drew me into a closer relationship with Him, which has been so special.
My favorite course was probably Touching Godliness by Dr. K.P. Yohannan. It was so hard, but God taught me so much in that book! He showed me what it means to fully submit to those in authority – even when I don’t agree, or don’t feel like it is “my way” or the “best way”. He taught me that we can obey without fully submitting. Submission is all the attitude of the heart.
God grew me in the knowledge of church traditions: liturgy, founding church fathers, leadership names and meanings, and even why the leaders wear what they wear! 😉 Attending a “small-o” orthodox church this year was not the easiest at first. But I started to really enjoy it. I asked lots of questions, I saw the influence liturgy has in our faith (Satan can’t stop us from saying what is already written and right before our eyes!), and I am now fascinated by how the ancient church got established by who.
A special Scripture passage that stayed with me all year was Psalm 139 verses 7-10 “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.”
Moving away from home – family, friends, and familiarity – was really hard. But God gave me such a peace about it, and I had such a rest in Him, knowing He was with me the entire time, and was going to give me the joy and strength to get through this year.
So now with the year wrapping up, I am very excited to see where the Lord leads me next! SD has changed me. So, with everything that I have shared with you and so much more that the Lord has taught me and grown me in, I want to keep applying it all to my life. I can’t go home and act like nothing happened. I need to take everything I have learned, and keep growing, keep learning, and keep applying it to my life for His glory.
Sometimes it is really hard to fit in with the people around you. You feel like everyone around you has a different way to say or do things. You feel like you are on the outside looking in. You feel judged and looked down on. This can make it hard to go to a social gathering or hang out with “friends”. You try to put on a good impression for those around you to think that you are having a good time, but you actually aren’t. You feel unheard and ignored. No one takes your advice or hears out your opinions. You feel like you still need to please them, even when they don’t respect you.
This has been my struggle over this last month. It has been really hard. But I know God, by His strength in me, brought me through the worst of it and taught me so much through that. The biggest step I took was talk to my housemates about it. Apologies are the #1 healing key for overcoming this hurdle–asking them for forgiveness and forgiving them, as Christ has forgiven me. Through sharing with them and a couple other people, I have felt better and less overwhelmed with this struggle.
Yes, I still struggle with it, but it is going to take time – God’s perfect timing. God has reassured me a ton lately that I am created just the way He wants me to be, in His image, with the personality of exactly who He wants me to be… I am just going to be myself. I am not going to care anymore what other people say/do/think about me. I’m just going to be who I am, who the Lord wants me to be…
Making that decision and being reassured that God always loves me, no matter what I’m like, has also helped me to know that He also loves them all, too! Even if I see that they are different than me and I have to fight so hard to get along with them, God has taught me to have grace for them – even when I feel like they have failed or have not done things the way I think is right. No one has done everything perfect; I know I have not. Jesus, perfect and sinless, offered so much grace and forgiveness upon His disciples and us believers, so how much more should we, imperfect and sinful, have grace and forgiveness upon ourselves and those around us. I am reminded of a very good example of grace and forgiveness… Jesus says we are to forgive seventy times seven, meaning numerous times over and over. I have learned to accept people for who they are, and by God’s marvelous grace upon me, I am now able to have more grace towards myself and those around me.
So, I want to encourage you to be yourself! Don’t be ashamed of who are and what the Lord has created you to be. Don’t let the people around you judge you and try to change you into something you are not. Live the life the Lord has in store for you. . . And I used to think I wasn’t very emotional. But I have come to learn that we all need our emotions. Emotions are the glue, the main key, that connect us to other people and build relationships. So, find just one person (even just your mentor or pastor!) to be open with and process those emotions.
Want to learn about Gospel for Asia and the Lord’s work on the field? Check it out here.
The students recently studied the book of Philippians
Recently we did a study on the Book of Philippians. It was so good–what amazes me is that Paul was still able to write such a letter like this, full of so much joy, gratitude, hope, and encouragement, while in the midst of difficulty.
Paul writes this letter while in prison about 54-62 AD. He wrote it to a church community in Philippi that he had planted on one of his visits there. He wrote it to build his relationship with the church body there, to update them of his situation, to thank them for their support in his ministry, to increase their faith so that they could face threats, to give them peace so that they get along better, and to inspire them to live out their faith.
Paul expresses
his joy for his fellowship with the Philippians, and the good work the Lord is
doing through them. He also rejoices in the fact that Christ is being preached.
Paul give us the
following instructions: Be united. Be selfless. Be considerate of others. Be
humble. Don’t complain. Rejoice in the Lord always. Be cautious of the enemy.
Stand fast in the Lord. Be anxious of nothing. Let your requests be known to God.
Meditate on good and true things.
Paul says that our work is not the result of our own effort, but that God’s work in us is what gives us our energy. What we do in life is an expression of God’s saving work in Christ. We find strength through God’s power in us. Believe that God will complete the work He has started in you. God’s work begins in the individual life but is to be lived out among other believers in fellowship with them. All our work is God’s work and it is continuous until the Day Christ returns. Paul tells us that the most important motivation in our work should be love. So, since our work is of God, let us strive to work and serve Him in a worthy manner. We should be like-minded with the other believers we work with.
Having the mind of Christ is to think of others before yourself. We need to be humble and considerate not only to our Christian friends, but all of those around us. Jesus died on the Cross (the lowest humility ever!) for the sinners, not the righteous. In everyday life, we have the choice to humble ourselves and give others the credit for success, ultimately God. Or to be selfish and take all the glory and credit.
Not much effort is required in distracting me. I most often am distracted in one of two fashions. Number one being, out of the blue or random distractions, and the second being fixated or captivated distractions. Both forms endlessly battle for the steering wheel of my emotions, mind, and will. The devious culprit here recently has been more of the second.
From
a young age I have always had a difficult time remaining focused. As a child I
was diagnosed with ADHD, which is a common attention deficit disorder in the United
States. An overactive imagination was more of the terminology I preferred,
nonetheless however, I had a problem. Medicine was recommended, and so I took
prescriptions for the disorder most of my childhood and adolescence. The
medicine helped tremendously, but I felt like a zombie day in and day out most
of my school years. I grew agitated with it and finally was able to quit taking
the medicine in my later years of high school. Of course, when I stopped taking
the prescriptions I had a higher sensitivity to distraction; I was determined
however to live without the medicine. I fared well and completed high school
better than I expected.
I still struggle with being distracted, but not so much in the same manner as I did growing up. Since I have come to School of Discipleship, I have noticed the strategy of attack that distractions have assumed, has been more subtle and sneaky in its efforts. Often, it comes in simple everyday day distractions that evolve into unreasonable daydreams. For example, I may see someone working outside from the office window in the web department in which my cubical is placed. The distraction would first begin as a longing to be working in the beautiful sunshine. Once I give into the longing further, that’s when the simple distraction has grown into a head trip. Within minutes, I’m dreaming of a crop lavished farm, front porch sitting, a plain-jane white washed house, watching the sunset with my wife (non-existent at the moment) after fulfilling a hard day’s work. I’m telling you…all the works.
Like the example used, most of my distractions, here recently have a key element constantly present…my future. Anytime I’m deeply lost in a daydream, it’s concerning my future. I have come to the realization, that the enemy is working ever so diligently to bewilder me from what the Lord has for me at this present time.
As this year’s School of Discipleship class is coming to a close within just a few months, I asked God what His next plans were for me were. His answer…to simply trust Him in the everyday acts of obedience He desires of me. Upon feeling that this was all God’s answer was, I became perplexed; I wanted a more definite answer. Despite my own desire, this was the Lord’s plan, and still is. Reluctantly, I decided I would give it a shot. There was a problem however, I never gave up thinking about my future.
I began to look for everyday acts of obedience in which God prompted of me. With each day they came, some different, some the same every day. Something was not right however, I knew I was not doing what God was really asking of me, and that was to stop worrying about my future. As the days went on, I merely acted as if I never heard that command. Of course, in this disobedience it made it nearly impossible to be at peace with God. So, as the days carried on and on I became more and more distracted. The enemy threw every single concern of future my way. Things being a job, dreams and ambitions, and the most notorious distraction of all, for me at least…MARRIAGE. This one has always been a distraction for me, even as a kid. Romance is ever present in my mind; indeed, it is a strong burning desire. But God had His answer: “Stop worrying about your future and trust Me. Quit asking me what’s next. Focus on finishing your year and pursue Me and nothing else.”
Now its April, and farther and farther I have grown from the Lord. As I mentioned earlier in this paper, my School of Discipleship year is coming to a close…is this really how I want to finish it off, on bad terms with my Father? This is something I will have to allow Him to break me in. My advice to whoever may be reading this: be cautious of worldly distractions. We face them every day, and frankly, we will fall into them, we’re not perfect. However brothers and sisters, keep your eyes peeled for distractions big and small. Remember, the little ones can evolve into large ones as well. Pray constantly that God would make clear the distractions in your life and obey when He shows you. Pray for me too.
Imagine with me you’re at home. You’re going through your day and nothing eventful has happened thus far. You are relaxing reading a book or an article online when all of a sudden, someone runs in and tells you that your best friend was just in a car accident. They explain that your friend is in critical condition and will die if they don’t get a kidney transplant right away. They ask if you want to see if your kidney was an option. You agree right away and run out the door to go see if it will work. It’s a perfect match.
The doctors ask if you want to donate and start explaining things that may go wrong. Before the doctor can even finish their sentence, you urge them to start the procedure. They try telling you some possible complications but you just insist that they do it now. So they do. Your best friend makes it and after a long time of recovery, heal completely.
I can relate to doing whatever it takes to see your friend safe and okay. In emergencies like this or even things WAY smaller, we’ll do whatever it takes to help those we love. We don’t thoughtfully think through pros and cons, if the doctors are the most qualified, or if you have the time to fit it into your schedule. No. That’s ridiculous. You just respond and are willing to do whatever it takes to help your friend.
In March this year, GFA’s ministry focus was clean water. There’s a big need for clean water, right? We all know there is. This month I am understanding more and more how much of a need there is, though. Look at these statistics with me:
Those are big numbers. I have known there was a big need for a long time, but it rarely impacted me. This month has been different, though. I have been admitting to the Lord I didn’t have a heart to see all those people helped. I was sad for them and prayed in prayer meetings, but the “sadness” didn’t stay with me as I left. I started praying and asking the Lord to break my heart for what breaks his. I wanted to have compassion for the millions of people that are suffering in extreme poverty, but I just didn’t have it.
Think of the story I started with. When someone we know and love is in even small need, we want to help and will do whatever it takes to do so. I’ve been pondering in my own heart lately why it’s so different with people I don’t know. I see and speak of these needs, but it’s just numbers to me. It doesn’t impact me in a way that I’m really concerned or do something about it. It’s just a fact of life that there are millions of people without clean water. There will always be people who are in need. Why even bother at all?
Maybe you can relate. When I see big numbers I can’t really process and understand them. I have a disconnect from the heart and humanity of each individual. We as a class recently were challenged to remember the story of one. Meaning, if we can focus on the effect a Jesus Well had on one person and how it completely changed their life, then we can keep from discouragement and keep having a heart for the masses who still need help.
“Remember the story of one.”
It’s estimated that every 90 seconds a child dies from not having clean water. I have a lot of friends that I love so dearly that are under the age of 5. What if every minute and a half one of them died? I don’t think I could handle that anguish. The Lord has put it on my heart to think of all these kids that are dying as if they were my greatest friends. That changed things for me. My heart really did break when I thought that way. Even that is just a glimpse of how the Lord looks at them with love and compassion.
I have been challenged to pray all the more fervently and work in the office all the more diligently knowing that I am a part of so many people being helped. If you can relate with what I’m learning, please pray with me and consider looking at GFA.org to learn more and see how you can help by donating towards a Jesus Well or a BioSand Water Filter.
“He has told you, o man, what is good: and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8
What comes to mind when you hear the word “humility”?
For me, I always thought of embarrassment and shame. I had a picture in my mind of elementary school. I was getting ready to run my very first “track meet.” I was only in like kindergarten or first grade, so it wasn’t like I was on a team or anything. I checked in once we got to the high school track and got my bib with my number on it–I was set to go.
Considering my brothers already ran track, I was a pretty confident six-year-old. They called my age group out to the track where a bunch of little five and six-year-olds lined up at the starting mark.
*BOOM* We all took off running. I heard my brothers’ words echoing in my head: “Don’t run super fast in the beginning! Everyone else will burn out towards the end, but you will have more energy–that’s when you run super fast!” Psh I’ve got this, no problem. I’m running along, letting other kids pass me.
But all of a sudden, something happened that I had not prepared for…Never in a million years did I expect my SHOE TO FALL OFF! I felt my bare sock on the rubbery track. I looked behind me to see my pink running shoe about five feet behind me. I didn’t know what to do, but I did know that I was mortified. I could hear my brothers cheering me on in the background, telling me to keep going. I was frozen from embarrassment, which only made things worse in my mind.
I felt my face getting hot and next thing I know tears were streaming down my flushed cheeks. I just stood there staring at my shoe, crying. It felt like en eternity but the next thing I felt was someone holding my hand. I look up and see my brother, laughing and telling me to keep going and sort of pulling me forward. I eventually finished the race but you can bet I never ran again after that. I was humiliated at just six years old!
So when I felt the Lord telling me I needed to pray for humility, I panicked, thinking something as scarring as that memory was going to happen. In a moment of feeling very spiritual, I asked Him to give me humility. Then I realized what I had done and said, “Never mind–I take it back!”
Godly Humility
It took me 12 and a half years to realize there was such a thing as godly humility. In fact, it wasn’t until just a few days ago that my eyes were opened to this fact.
Our GFA School of Discipleship class was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan in the beginning of February. There were so many great things in this book, but a few things stuck out to me in particular–one of which is just realizing how precious time is and how fragile our lives are. We aren’t promised next year, or tomorrow or even the next hour. So what are you doing in your life to benefit the kingdom of God? Do you want to die while watching some movie filled with cursing? Do you want Jesus to come back in the middle of a gossiping conversation? I don’t know about you, but I want to be doing something that the Lord would be proud of to call me His own.
2018-2019 School of Discipleship Class
Something else that had an impact on me wasn’t actually in the book, but in our homework questions. You see, in Crazy Love, Francis Chan goes through a whole list of characteristics that can be found in a Christian “obsessed” with Jesus. From the 13 listed, one of the homework questions asked what three were the hardest ones for us. The three I picked out were ‘friends of all’, ‘humble’, and ‘dedicated.’
Dedicated: A person who is obsessed with Jesus is more concerned with his/her character than comfort. Obsessed people know that true joy doesn’t depend on circumstances or environment; it is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a gift that ultimately comes from God. (James 1:2-4)
The very next question said, ” For each of these three areas, think of one person who is an example to you of being obsessed in this way.” As I began to brainstorm, I realized all three of those that I struggled with just happened to be three very prominent characteristics in one of my brothers. I felt the bitterness rising and I had an “of course” kind of attitude. All my life it’s felt like I lived in the shadows of my brothers, but mostly this one. Our relationship has always been sort of weird. We’re close, but also, low-key, always in competition with each other.
Our teacher that day told us to look up to the people that we listed and follow them as an example so that we can begin to achieve or get better at those things. I thought, “nah.” But as the day went on, I really felt the Lord telling me I needed to call him and apologize for constantly being bitter and jealous. I thought, “nah.”
Tough Conversations
A few weeks went by with that on my mind and heart pretty regularly, but after a while I started to feel that conviction slip away. Agh. I knew this was something I needed to do and I wanted to obey the Lord especially because our time is limited. So before I could overthink it, I called my brother–actually, before I could think about it at all. I had no idea what I was going to say!
He answered and I told him I was sorry for everything, and I haven’t been the best sister and I asked him to forgive me. He forgave me and apologized as well, for not making it easy for me. There was a whole lot more that went into that conversation but that’s personal for me to hold onto and treasure. It was a really super great conversation and I hung up feeling not only closer to him but closer to God, too! I felt so much joy and relief and tried to block out what else the Lord was telling me to do during that phone call.
A few weeks went by and I could still feel Him telling me to do something else. I knew what it was but I pretended I didn’t hear it. Again, after a while, that conviction started to fade. This time I didn’t care. Heh, oh well. As I realized that, I started feeling pretty thankful that it was leaving to be honest, but in the midst of that, I heard the Holy Spirit say to me loud and clear, “Karis, how many opportunities and growth are you going to miss out on because you won’t do this simple thing for Me?” Agh. Fine. I stepped into an empty meeting room in the GFA office and called up my sister-in-law.
We’ve always had a weird/not the greatest relationship, as well. We don’t have the greatest past, and there was a lot of unresolved hurt. I told her that I felt like we haven’t officially closed the doors to our past and I really believed it was because I never asked for her forgiveness. There was a lot more to this conversation too, but it’s for me.
She forgave me and expressed how much it meant to her. Afterwards, I felt even closer to God than before and was feeling super refreshed, so I wanted to go tell one of our School of Discipleship leaders about it because I was just so excited. I sat in my chair deciding if I wanted to tell her at that moment or at the end of the day. Once I decided I wanted to do it right then, I kid you not: HE ASKED ME TO HAVE ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE. No–That’s all I said.
But I eventually told myself I would do it since I’m already feeling good and when else would I do it? This one however, was a little more difficult for me. This conversation had to be done face-to-face with someone over me at GFA. On my way to the School of Discipleship leader’s office, I made up my mind that if this person wasn’t at their desk then it just wasn’t meant to happen. And what do you know…they weren’t! Relief blew over me. And on my way back from the leader’s office, that person still wasn’t there! As soon as I got done saying “thank goodness” in my mind, they walked around the corner. Bah! But I did it and I had that conversation–apologizing and asking for forgiveness.
Growth Through Godly Humility
Even though I had to have three really hard conversations in the span of about three weeks, I can honestly say that my relationship with the Lord feels like something completely different. It is totally different than it was a week ago. He revealed what godly humility looked like and felt like. It was scary; I definitely won’t lie or sugarcoat that. And I one hundred percent did not want to have any of those conversations. But I don’t regret any of them. In fact, I wish I had them sooner because of how much growth happened afterwards. I wish I could explain to you all the joy that fills my spirit now. I was humbled in a way that didn’t cause embarrassment or shame. It was just choosing to get off my high horse. I treasure this entire experience!
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”
Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)
This verse used to make my skin crawl. If you would have asked me if I agreed with this scripture before coming to GFA School of Discipleship, I would have perhaps said something along the lines of “Well, it is the Word of God, but I don’t believe our hearts are bad. We should live free and pursue whatever our hearts’ desires are. Do whatever makes you happy!” Note–just because I admitted in this response that Jeremiah 17:9 is Scripture, does not result in my comments afterward being correct. The response I provided was absolutely deceitful! It literally stands in direct defiance of the verse, which is the Word of God! (more…)
Duct tape is probably one of the greatest inventions made by man. The old proverb goes “If it doesn’t work the first time, just add more!”
Imagine with me you are on the Apollo 13 in space and you have this huge problem. You have too much carbon dioxide (CO2), which is coming from your own exhalations. Without fixing this you are going to die.
You are talking to your teammates from NASA on earth which is comprised of some of the most genius people on earth. They, after much trouble shooting, tell you to just fix this life-threatening problem with duct tape. You then think to yourself, “Why didn’t I think of this before!” You just get so excited about this idea you actually take the time to text your friends, call your mom and post it on social media. Twice. You just found this great solution that will save your life!
The problem? (Besides probably not having service in space.) You never actually put the duct tape on. You got so caught up in this great idea and you didn’t act and fix the problem. It’s not that you didn’t have all the right knowledge you needed or that you weren’t equipped or qualified to do it, you just didn’t apply all those things that would have saved your life.
This brings up an interesting spiritual application. It is one thing that I have gotten the most out of School of Discipleship so far. Let’s dive into it!
We can have all this head knowledge and know all the right things about the LORD, but if we don’t apply and practice what we know, we are on the wrong path. The Devil has better theology than all of us and yet is destined for an eternity in hell.
So often I find we will be stoked about missions. We will listen to all these great sermons, podcasts, read these great books and post on Facebook, “Go to all the earth and make disciples!” We love reading all these one-liners about missions and get so excited. The problem? We never leave our couch and make disciples.
So just like the example with the duct tape, we know exactly what we need to do, we know the Holy Spirit is living inside us, yet we don’t do it. It’s not a way of life for us. If anything it’s a special event.
We just went through the book Crazy Love, and one thing the author, Francis Chan, said was that we get so caught up in the Lord’s calling and wanting to do the perfect thing, we end up doing nothing. We don’t pray for hours and days on end to see if it’s the Lord’s calling to watch TV. We just do it. Why is it any different with things that we read in our Bibles? Just do something. After you start doing, then the Lord will reveal more and more what your calling is.
So my encouragement is, be bold and courageous and do what the Lord is calling you to do! Start small and be patient with yourself as you struggle to make change over time.
Leaving my home in Idaho to come to GFA School of Discipleship and everything that that step of faith entailed–being away from family, work, my church body, friends, the list goes on–has really showed me how near God is!
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness! Lamentations 3:22-23
I have felt His presence so clearly, and it has been such a delight, knowing He is with me, no matter where I go, and who else is with me. He is omni-present, and is wherever I go. Psalm 139:7-10 tells us, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Or Where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.” This passage been such an encouragement to me while being here, away from what is familiar to me.
I have been experiencing so many “God-Moments” and seeing His power displayed here so vividly! He is so faithful. I have learned to worship Him more, even in the smallest things. I have learned what it means to earnestly pray, which we do a lot of here. God is so powerful! I am in awe now. God is definitely working through GFA, and I feel so honored to be a part of and witness it.
So lately I’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed and stressed. I haven’t had much alone time (I’m very much of an introvert) and the book we’re going over in class is pretty heavy.
This morning in chapel however, the Lord gave me a vision (I promise I’m not weird). Before taking Holy Communion, Bishop Danny asked us to close our eyes and quiet our hearts to prepare ourselves. So knowing that is definitely something I need to do and take advantage of in the midst of this busy schedule, I started imagining myself in an empty white room… Sort of. You know in movies when characters are dreaming and they’re in that white abyss? Exactly like that. There was no up and down, or left and right. There was only white. Bright white everywhere. Did I make that clear enough? So as I’m standing there in the nothingness, Jesus appears in His white robe and wounds in His hand and feet. Jesus Christ, my Lord and King was just standing there in front of me in all of His glory and beauty.
Well, you know how people always ask the question of “What would you do when you see Jesus?” A lot of the times you get an answer like, “The first thing I’d do is ask Him…”
My first instinct was to fall down. I was not worthy. I fell to my knees with my head bowed but it wasn’t low enough. I couldn’t get low enough. I got on my face and started kissing His feet and His wounds that He endured through for ME. All I wanted to do was show Him how much I loved Him. He lifted me up and I fell into His chest, hugging Him and crying… but I felt no shame or embarrassment. There was only love there. Just being in His presence, I had no doubts or fears. I knew this Man loved every part of me with everything in Him. And all I could do was cry because for the first time ever, I knew He would keep me safe and never let me go or give up on me. I could literally feel Jesus’ love radiating from His warm embrace. It felt so tangible, like I could touch it and take it with me everywhere I went. And He just sat there with me, holding and comforting me. No words, nothing needed to be said. But I wasn’t crying because of everything on my mind. No, I was crying because of who Jesus is. In fact, none of those negative feelings or sadness came to mind once. The focus was 100% on Him and who He is.
And so in the midst of feeling discouraged and depressed because I’m not where I want to be spiritually, my Lord showed me the real focus. He also showed me that my first instinct was to fall down before the King and kiss His wounds. So despite my feelings, I’m not failing at all. It’s just a tough season, but on this day, I got a little more perspective, and that is what’s getting me through it.
“The heart is deceitful above all things,
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