“If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?” -1 John 4:20.

How many times I have heard this, I cannot even begin to count. At School of Discipleship I think one of the key things taught here is love.  Before coming here, I would read verses like these and say to myself  “this doesn’t apply to me because I do love.” How do I know I love? Well, because I certainly don’t hate. I serve my family (only when they ask), I am patient with my little sister (only when she does what I say), I’m an encouragement when others around me are feeling down (only if I feel good or ‘up to it’).  You get the point and the list goes on.  Shortly after I got here to School of Discipleship, we read one one of Gospel for Asia’s required reading called The Calvary Road and the author Roy Hession specifically states that anything that is not love is hate…..when I read that my whole world turned upside down. I realized I have not been loving anyone AT ALL. I realized this, but I still justified myself and kind of brushed it off my shoulders.

Recently, God has humbled me and shown me yet again how I have not been loving those around me, therefore, I have not been loving Christ.  The fact that I have not been loving the God who saved me from a life of death has broken me and hurt my heart so much.  Recently, I have had quite a few instances where people have come up to me and told me how I hurt them by my words, tone, and actions.  In the end all I wanted to do was go hide and say “I am not coming out of my closet until my year here is done — I refuse to talk or give advice because all I do is hurt people.”  Only by His grace has He changed my heart because of my willingness to want to love others.

After all these experiences, I had to ask myself, “what is love anyway?”  According to the Word of God love is patient, kind, does not envy, is not boastful, conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, not provoked, does not keep any record of wrong (that was hard for me to read), finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. (1 Cor. 13:4-7).

When the Lord showed me this verse (which is the complete definition of who He is and what true love is), I was so broken because too be honest I didn’t see any of this in myself.  I am not patient or kind, I love to keep records of wrongs…and so many other things.  I realized that I have not been loving any of my brothers or sisters, this way.  As the Lord was showing me all this, my flesh wanted to run and hide, but my Spirit was saying “repent to all those whom you have not loved, and let Me get you through by My grace.” As I heard this from the Lord, this is exactly what I did.  I asked a lot of people for their forgiveness and still have more people to ask. I will tell you though, that by me obeying and submitting to the Lord, I have so much freedom!!!

I am so challenged here, not just during the time I am at Gospel for Asia’s office, but more so in my daily living, especially in my apartment with the three others girls I have to live with.  I don’t believe I ever knew what true love was until I came here to School of Discipleship, and to be honest, I still don’t know what it is. What I do know is that God is love and only by Him can I love others with the perfect love we all should be loving one another with.

I am so happy that the living God loved me enough to show me this area in my life that has lacked so greatly because it is a HUGE deal! I was lying saying I loved God when I couldn’t even love those around me.  I am still learning this and striving to live it out each day, but only with Jesus Christ ruling my life.  The second I decide to do it in my own strength, I fail. I have to consistently choose to remain in Him.  Love is not something that the Lord has just given me I have to choose each second to love because love is a choice, and as I choose this it becomes more and more natural.

I pray that as I continue this journey here at Gospel for Asia‘s School of Discipleship , I will choose to love everyone with a pure heart because I desire to love, honor, and please my Lord.