Jun 17, 2013
This post will take a bit of a deeper, more personal look into what the Lord has been teaching me and showing me as of late. If I can find the words to express it. As always, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask them.
Abba Father, the Comforter, the Creator of everything, my God, and my Savior. The past few months have been quite an interesting adventure, with the notorious highs and lows that are usually involved. However, something I never expected happened. As is often the case, the Lord has different plans than me, and if I’m patient enough to wait on Him and be content on where He takes me, then I will see that all the trials I go through were well worth it. Just like Romans 8:28 promises.
For those of you who know my past, you know it has been rather rough, yet through it all God has proved His overwhelming love for me time and time again. Without Him, I truly would be destroyed by the enemy, but in Christ, there is victory! That being said, I have had my share of struggles, and even though I know they are all lies of the enemy, for years I have entertained those lies until they became “truths” I believed in my heart. These lies have plagued my heart and my mind for many years, and even though I knew they were lies and not the Truth of God’s promises, it was really hard to let it all go and trust the Lord.
That being said, here is just one story of how God has been ridding my heart and mind of these lies: (note: I am not trying to brag through this story, I am only trying to share with you what God revealed to me.)
I have always had issues with my self image, thinking I am ugly, no one would ever think I’m pretty, and if they say so, then they only said that because they are trying to be nice. I would read Psalm 139:14 “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.” That whole chapter would bring me comfort for a short time, but I never truly believed it and tucked it in my heart as Truth.
Now, God has been working on my heart ever so gently, and I have been gaining self confidence and am beginning to view myself the way He created me. He has given me friends who compliment me a lot (it’s really hard to accept compliments when you don’t believe they are true…). Then one day, after I got a little frustrated with a few of my friends for complimenting me so much, I was a little convicted and God told me to write apology letters to them, and to thank them for their encouragement. This was before a Tuesday night prayer meeting, and when I got home from that I was really tired (like most nights), so I got ready for bed.
As I was getting ready for bed I heard clearly “You’re beautiful”. God told me I was beautiful?! I guess I can’t argue with Him, so I said thanks and then went to bed. The next morning, however, He said it again. “You’re beautiful.” This time I believed it in my heart. God made me, if He says I’m beautiful, then I must be in His eyes, and His opinion is all that matters. That day I dressed up just for him.
This story is only one of the many that has been happening lately in my life. God has been restoring my heart, and my mind so much in the past few months that honestly, I’m not even close to the same person as I was before. I’m closer to the Lord in our ever growing and deepening relationship, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Anyways, thanks for reading this semi-different, more deep and personal newsletter. I’d love to hear your stories of God’s restoration in your lives! Just post them below in a comment, or send them to me in a message or email.
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Jun 17, 2013
One of the most significant things I have been learning is about pursuing God. In class we recently studied through The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. He wrote the book in the 1940’s, but it’s still as relevant to our daily lives as if it had been written yesterday.
One theme that ties the whole book together is this: God is pursuing us first. He is seeking to reveal Himself to us! All that I do is simply to respond to that – yet we call it the pursuit of God! It is incredible how much God really loves me. It blows my mind every time I think about it. God wants me to seek Him, and He wants to reveal Himself to me!
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:13
Okay, this is cool: I am getting to learn a lot about communication and design this year in my ministry placement, and it’s awesome. So in learning about design, I made this picture with these lyrics from Movements by Rend Collective. But seeking after God – that’s what it’s about.
To get down to what I’m trying to say,
“The desire of my heart is to pursue God.”
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Jun 17, 2013
My entire life I’ve been searching for love and have done some pretty extreme things on this journey to find it, such as: immorality, people pleasing, and using almost every drug under the sun.
My parents dedicated me to God when I was born but my home life didn’t come close to comparing to the Christian standard. My mother was over anxious, suffered from O.C.D. and my father abandoned me at a young age. This may be the reason for my thinking that God was distant and meticulously legalistic. No one taught me the significance of the elements or the reason why I recited the Lord’s Prayer and Psalms 23 every night which caused them to become nothing more than an empty ritual. I didn’t understand or have anyone to explain the concepts of religion or life and how one should live as a child so I grew up. I also didn’t receive the teachings necessary for growth spiritually nor an aid on my journey into adulthood. I couldn’t find help at home or at school. I’ve felt very alone for the majority of my life.
I’ve looked for love, or what I thought love was, in all the wrong places. I’ve changed who I was in order to fit into my social surroundings. I’ve been a punk, prep and everything in between. This has caused me to struggle with my identity in Christ quite a bit. (Am I doing what I do because I love Jesus or because this has become a way of life?) I’ve also looked for love in both intimate and platonic relationships, unavoidably leading to separation. I was introduced to the bliss of drugs near the beginning of high school, which led me to believe that I stopped caring what people and the world thought, only to be subject to a whole new level of trying to keep up with them.
In and out of detention centers, psych wards, rehab and later jail, I became callused and numb. I started cutting in my first rehab, starting as scratches eventually needing stitches. I met a girl at this place who made me feel incredible. She was everything I could’ve asked for. Despite this, it wasn’t her that I loved; it was the way she made me feel. I ended up sabotaging the relationship in various ways. Feeling ashamed of whom I’d become, I attempted suicide. Her parents knew a place where I could get some real help: Teen Challenge. I did a little research and quickly dismissed the idea of doing a 12 month faith based residential program.
After being kicked out of my apartment, living on the streets, coming close to death while being affiliated with gang members and a few more attempts at suicide I hit bottom and started the process to become a ‘student‘ at Teen Challenge. My first program started Aug 28/09. Early October I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior with full understanding at a service held at the farm. However, my flesh wasn’t going to give up so easily. Starting my 11th month in the program I was put back to month 1 because I lacked significant heart change, mostly obedience.
Soon after, I headed back into the world thinking I was equipped with the tools to handle certain situations that later led me back into the darkness. Forgetting that my identity and acceptance was found in Christ I went back to what I knew best, trying to find it in mankind. This led me to start thinking like a Buddhist, trying to separate myself from my feelings and desires. I became very philosophical, theoretical and idealistic trying to piece life together without God, doing nothing but running around in circles. I needed someone I could count on, to guide me and teach me; someone that would always be there for me and never steer me wrong.
Jesus is that person. I never fully understood how I could get to know someone that died 2000 years ago. That’s because you can’t. Thing is though, He isn’t dead, He’s very much alive. He’s giveen me the Holy Spirit who teaches me how I can serve and be more like my Master. I used to doubt His promises and have the uncanny ability to forget what wonderful things He has done but He has proven himself to me over and over. I should be dead, quite literally a few times over, but by His grace I’m able to tell you that He is epically awesome and that his love is incredibly amazing. I’m completely baffled as to why I ever question Him or how I can forget His awesomeness even more so how I doubt His love for me. The devil is a really good liar I guess…the scriptures that talk about spiritual warfare have been made for relevant to me in the recent past it’s almost overwhelming, but His grace is sufficient.
Because of the grace, mercy and love He has so willingly given me, and because I have chosen to be a slave to righteous living, not to mention the lessons I’ve learned in obedience, I have answered the call to attend Gospel for Asia’s School of Discipleship. I never thought God could forgive me of so much let alone use me to help save millions or use me to further His kingdom in any way for that matter. I’ve been here for a couple months and I’ve witnessed so much faith, servant-hood, love and grace. To say the very least it is simply epic. The examples that are given to us by the staff are challenging yet encouraging and hold us to a higher standard. I’m eternally grateful to my Father for choosing me to serve in this way. I’ve been exposed to an entirely different world of which I’ve grown to love very much. I am so stoked to see what he has in store for me and my classmates this year and even more so to see the character he will develop in each of us.
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Jun 14, 2013
“You do not have to be Superwoman.” That was the lesson of the day.
I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to this week and was kind of discouraged last night. That’s when the Lord started the super hero lesson.
First it was through a message Pastor Chuck Smith gave from the book of Job. “Hey, you’re not Superman, you’re not Wonder Woman; you’re dust,” he said. “You’re not the super saint that you’d like to be–and sometimes think that you are. You’re dust! And God remembers that.” I was encouraged to remember that the Lord understands my weaknesses.
Then, on a completely different track, I was reading First Things First by Stephen Covey. He explained that the goal is not to cram as many activities in our schedule as possible. “We’re not trying to be Superman or Superwoman,” he wrote. Lord, I think you’re trying to make a point.
But He wasn’t done. This morning, Brother K.P. Yohannnan gave a message on the importance of thankfulness. Can you guess what he said in the middle? Yep. We don’t have to be Superman.
So, it’s settled. I am not Superwoman. But what does that mean?
God knows my limitations and failures and He loves me anyway. In Psalm 103, David says it this way: “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.” This removes a lot of pressure.
God is so good and His grace does not depend on our output. “We are not on a perfomance contract with God,” one Gospel for Asia leader often reminds the staff. I am thankful to have a Father who loves growing, struggling, less-than-super people.
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Jun 12, 2013
“By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” – John 13:35
Love for one another. It sounds like an easy task, especially if you are in a good mood, the person you are with doesn’t annoy you, and things are going as planned. However, we are not always in the best of moods, maybe the person you are with rubs you the wrong way, and the circumstances you find yourself in may be chaotic. How do you love someone then?
Lately I’ve been learning how to love people when I don’t feel like it, or would rather be alone. See, Christ asks us to sacrifice ourselves, and serve others in His name. If I am loving others with HIS love, then He will continue to replenish it, and as I continue to pursue Him, His love will automatically flow to others.
Love is not a feeling that comes and goes, it is a way of life, a choice. I certainly don’t “feel” like loving my enemies, but the Lord says to do so. It isn’t easy, but it is a commitment. It’s a full time job to love others, finding ways to serve them, listening when they need an ear, not avoiding them when you want alone time.
It is a hard lesson to learn, but I’m finding that when I choose to allow the Lord to love others through me, even when I don’t feel like it, it’s rewarding to see the other person smile. Sometimes they won’t even know it’s you that wrote that note, that you did the dishes because you know it’s less stressful for that person to live in a clean apartment. But really, we don’t perform acts of love for ourselves to get praise, we do it so that the Lord can love others and receive all the glory.
Anyways, thank you for listening. I am still in the process of learning this lesson, and am finding that unity between the Body of Christ is much more appealing than the separation that occurs from unbroken people.
Please pray for me that I don’t let my own selfishness get in the way of loving my brothers and sisters, my family, friends, and those around me. I will be praying for you too.
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