Mar 15, 2019
Lately it’s been on my heart to share how I ended up on this path at Gospel for Asia. Looking back a year ago, I can see 100% how the Lord was preparing my heart and allowing things to happen in my life that would eventually lead me here.
Exactly one year ago, I was on a flight to Oregon for one week. Just a month prior, I thought I would be moving back to the west coast after staying in Virginia for a little bit, after being in South Korea for three months. I’m getting ahead of myself, though.
A lot of things were different a month before this flight. I felt good. I had a boyfriend, I was moving back to a beautiful state that I had fallen in love with, I was working out regularly, I knew what I was going to do with my life, and I had everything figured out. I had just gotten back from a missions internship; I was doing so good.
Then something happened that I never saw coming in a million years. I started doubting everything. All my plans… I started wondering if, maybe my boyfriend wasn’t perfect for me and if there was someone out there a little more similar to me; that maybe for the last two years of knowing and dating my boyfriend on and off, I was wrong. It was like I woke up one day and everything was literally right in front of me – my whole life. I’d move to Oregon, I’d marry this guy and we’d work at the camp or church that we met at, and that was my life. So of course, Oregon became a question too. Is this all there is for me? Am I ready to settle down?
Now, please don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I thought there was anything wrong with that, but that is so not who I am. I want to travel, and do missions. I want to do things for the Lord on the field! Anyone who knows me, knows I can’t sit still in one place for too long. I get antsy. In the past two years, I’ve been to Virginia, South Carolina, Oregon, South Korea, Vietnam, China and Texas. It’s great – I love it.
Anyway, so after crying and seeking out the Lord and having my whole world come crashing down in front of me, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. We kept it on the down low, because I wasn’t sure if I just needed to really spend all my time with the Lord and I was just having a mid-life-crisis, or if this was real. So, for the first time since I was 17, we didn’t talk once for a whole month. I was still freaking out because I always thought Oregon was the place I was going to end up, and now all of a sudden my heart was changing. It was hard. I talked to different people, and tried looking for an answer I liked. Whether they said to go to Oregon or stay here, none of them set well. I felt the Lord telling me to go talk to the worship leader at our church, and, after putting it off for weeks, I finally did. I didn’t know why I was going to him, it’s not like we talk all that much, and he only knew me through my brother who had been on the worship team for years. But God really used him. He said to me, “Neither of the places are right or wrong. It’s just a matter of where you will grow in the Lord the most.”
I left feeling a sadness in my heart. God had very clearly shown me in that conversation that if I went out to Oregon, that would be my life. Have a job, get married, have kids, grow old. The American dream. But if I stayed in Virginia, I would be pursuing missions. I could so clearly see how my life would end up in Oregon, but I couldn’t see anything from Virginia. I don’t even like Virginia. Why would I want to stay?
I knew, though, where I would grow the most. So with a monstrous leap of faith, I called my employer in Oregon and told him I would not be taking the job I had been offered. I cried a lot. But I had peace – a weight had been lifted. A few days later, I was telling my roommate-to-be in Oregon that it wasn’t going to work out and she convinced me to come visit. So I bought my plane ticket.
One year ago, I was on a flight to Oregon for a week. I decided to surprise my guy (who I technically wasn’t dating anymore), and not tell him I was coming. If I’m being honest, it was a really great week. We both felt like we were starting fresh in our relationship. I got to see old friends, my brother and sister-in-law, and my nephew. But my time was coming to an end. I got offered a position at the camp again and I was seriously considering it. My boyfriend and I had been together for a pretty long time, but there was just some things that were getting in the way of us being together. So before accepting that position, we had a talk and I basically told him that I couldn’t move out there if there wasn’t a future. I left it at that and gave him time to think about it.
When I got back home, I had an interview I had set up a few weeks before flying out to Oregon. I prayed a lot about that job and the job in Oregon. I decided that if I got this job, then that would be it. I would stay for sure. And of course, I got the job as soon as I walked in, pretty much. I felt so much peace about it all.
A few days passed since I had been back, so after there not being any mention from him about our conversation in Oregon, I finally brought it up and that was it. It felt like the end of an era. I had been crazy about him since I was 16. And now it was all gone. He told me he wasn’t ready for the commitment. I was devastated.
For months, I felt like I couldn’t breathe at night. I wasn’t prepared for the sacrifices I had to make in following the Lord. After my brother went overseas, I went straight to one of the pastors at our church and told him to send me overseas too. Instead, he then gave me the link to GFA School of Discipleship. So, with a joyful and excited attitude, I applied. Just kidding – I was so grumbly and annoyed and…ugh. But a few weeks later, I got accepted and here I am!
I have no doubt in the world that my King and Savior allowed me to go through the things I did so that I would end up here at School of Discipleship. There has been so much healing and love and grace in my life these past three months. I am finding who I am in Christ and His unfailing love for me. The love I so deeply desired and was searching for in my boyfriend was in front of me the whole time. My Jesus is so real and He pours that love on me more and more every single day.
There’s a lot more that goes into this past year, but a blog post wouldn’t be the place to share. Taking that terrifying and painful leap of faith essentially led me on a journey of self-discovery through Christ. So whatever you may be going through or struggling with, take the leap of faith. The Lord will always follow though in His promises. Chances are it’ll be painful and hard, but abundant blessings will follow.
I hope I could be an encouragement to at least one person today!
Read a GFA World Magazine article written by Anna, a GFA School of Discipleship Alumna from Canada.
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Jun 9, 2017
Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Silence is void of noise, movement or action. To be still is to turn off the noise, stop the movement and do nothing.
“But Lord, there’s a dying world out there?!”
God: “Be still and know that I am God…”
Me: “But how will they know that you love them if I sit still?”
God: “I will be exalted among the nations…”
Me: “Okay Lord, I will be still and know you are God.”
God: “I will be exalted in the earth!”
Psalm 46:11 “The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah”
It’s been difficult for me to be still and unmoved by all that is and could be going on . The restless “Jacob” in me says I need to be out there doing things and making a visible impact in the world and in the lives of people NOW. Circumstances around me shift like waves in the ocean, yet God is the Creator of the oceans saying “be still”. To my soul He also says “be still”. It’s a sobering reminder that God is in control and very active as I am still before Him who keeps the universe in place. Yes, there is a time to be active myself but there is a time to be still.
Having a mentor to help guide my steps through this year has been challenging in ways because I’m used to running my own show and set my pace. Having to concentrate my time and energy into a set time (one year) for a specific purpose has been hard to do. Especially dying to self has become less attractive when it’s actual dying to self, the flesh. It seemed that in order for me to be still before the Lord, and to realize that He is in control, that I needed to hit the wall. First, by being gently nudged by my mentor to “settle down”, I realized that she was right, though I didn’t want to admit it. I did and still do need to settle down more, not run around here, there and every where, but rather to be intentional in this unique setting God has placed me in this year. It’s easy for me to be busy with many “good” things but I’ve been reminded that the “good” isn’t always the best and right now the best is DP. It seems that when I still don’t quite get it, along comes the blessing of a seasonal virus. Everything continues as normal even when I’m sick and in bed. All this helps me to learn a single lesson, realizing that I can be still for God is still God. I am learning what it means to be still and let God be God because things go best when I’m yielded to Him.
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Dec 9, 2016
I recently attended a denominational church conference with a staff member. The theme for the conference was praying for an open door for the gospel. This is based out of Colossians chapter four verses two to four. The leader of this denomination in his keynote address said, “There is a manifest desperation in the prayer that I’ve observed which is of God and is exactly the place that he would love to work. In a sense God has backed us into a corner and we have no other option but to pray for revival.”
Their denomination has had some struggles, which was the reason he mentioned being backed into a corner. What about us, are we waiting for struggles to drive us to prayer, or are we actively seeking the Lord now? Am I, are we praying for an open door for the gospel? I think far too often my prayers are focused on the little picture of what is happening in my life so that I fail to pray for what our Saviour is doing on a larger scale.
I realised again recently that my outlook on life is so much restricted to myself. This was highlighted in one of the books I was assigned to read this year. It was written by a godly man of the last century – Watchman Nee. In this particular book he pointed out that our love cannot be limited only to other believers. He states that God loved and died for the whole world, so we are not true imitators of God if we only love the brethren. This statement really hit me, as I have been one that would heatedly argue that our love is for other believers almost exclusively. Sure I would say that the entire world is to be loved, but that was mainly defined as a lack of hate, rather than an active serving. I would’ve said that we need to care and serve believers, but don’t really need to make the effort for others. We share with them the gospel and once they received it then we show love.
The Lord Jesus Christ, however, did not act in this way. He came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. He came to serve all men and women regardless of whether they would receive his love. When I refuse to love those who do not love me, I am, in the words of Jesus, no better than a tax-collector (Matthew 5:46). The attitude and love we are to have is summed up in this prayer that came out of the reformation:
Lord Jesus Christ, you stretched out your arms of love on
the hard wood of the cross that everyone might come within
the reach of your saving embrace: So clothe us in your Spirit
that we, reaching forth our hands in love, may bring those
who do not know you to the knowledge and love of you; for
the honour of your Name. Amen.
Written by a Discipleship Program Student
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Oct 7, 2016
There are many points in my life where I hear the question that Jesus asked Peter “Do you love me?” As much as I eagerly respond with a confident yes, I begin to wonder if my life verifies my answer. Jesus responded to Peter’s answer by giving him the responsibility over His flock, appointing him to serve in the kingdom of God, but He also warned Peter of the death that was to come along with it:
“I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.” Jesus said this to let him know by what kind of death he would glorify God. Then Jesus told him, “Follow me.” (John 21:18-19)
This was the verse that the Lord used to turn my solid heart into a heart of flesh. He revealed to me the transformation that must take place in my life if I truly want to follow Him and make my life a display of the love that I have for Him. As I grow into Christian maturity, I can no longer pursue my own desires and clothe myself with pride and self-righteousness. I can no longer hold onto my life and surround myself with comfort in order to avoid suffering. As He sends me into the world I need to put to death my flesh by daily stretching out my hands in complete surrender, and allow Him to clothe me with His Holy Spirit so that I will be able to say yes to wherever He chooses to send me.
The strategy the enemy uses towards those who are willing to suffer is clearly visible in the life of Jesus. Throughout His ministry Satan tried to prevent Jesus from suffering death on the cross because he knew that it would lead to his destruction. He tempted Jesus in the desert before he began His ministry. On the cross, through the mouths of the rulers he reminded Jesus of the power He had to save Himself from bearing the pain and agony. It was not selfish ambition that kept Jesus on the cross, but rather His love for the Father and willingness to endure anything that came with fulfilling His will.
Brother K.P, in his book “Against the Wind” reminds us that Satan will also tempt us to avoid the cross we are to carry daily, because just as Jesus defeated the enemy through suffering, we also can defeat his evil forces by having a mind to suffer. I should expect to be tempted into living a life free from suffering and surrender in order to walk the easy road, but that will not prove my love for the Father. I must surrender my will, embrace the cross and follow Him into a life of victory wherever it may lead me.
—School of Discipleship student
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Aug 15, 2016
I have been on vacation visiting Canada again. It’s where I grew up, and I was really looking forward to it. While I have been here I’ve realized that something is different. While it is still home, it’s not the same home that it once was.
The saying goes that home is where the heart is. I have come to understand that if my heart is where God wants me to be, anywhere else feels wrong or odd. I’m not saying that my vacation home is wrong. It’s right and even necessary. However, God called me to School of Discipleship in Texas, so it doesn’t feel entirely right for me to be anywhere except School of Discipleship in Texas.
This is something that I need to really take to heart and remember. When God places me somewhere, anywhere else will be unsatisfactory. If my heart is totally dedicated to God’s will (and I pray that it is becoming more so day by day), then my heart will be where He wants it. I will not be at home anywhere else.
~ School of Discipleship Student
Gospel for Asia
School of Discipleship USA
School of Discipleship Canada
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