For the past year or so, I’ve been praying continuously for God to break me so that what I feel on the inside, in my Spirit, could be freely expressed (without shame) on the outside, specifically in the form of crying. Not so that I can act spiritual, not so that I can be proud about my emotions and what the Spirit is doing in my life, but so that I can freely express what God is placing on my heart, to be transparent with my brothers and sisters in Christ, to show God’s love so fully with others that they can clearly see Him in me. I don’t want God to be clouded through me, I desperately want others to see the fullness of His love, His grace, His mercy, His passion for the lost and dying in this world in and through me.
The other night while I was reading through Release of the Spirit, by Watchman Nee, my heart was broken. It was aching so tremendously for my unsaved family, friends, and those I don’t know. Just knowing that without Christ, without accepting His Truth, they are on a pathway that will lead them to Christless eternity. In that moment, I wanted to weep for them, I wanted to let them see the pain that I felt. That if they could truly see how much I loved them, that maybe, just maybe they would see and understand the Truth. That they would be saved. To experience God like I have, His unconditional love, His constant companionship, His never-wavering comfort and Truth. Oh how I want them to see and understand! But still, no tears were shed on the outside.
I told this to one of my friends via text and they mentioned that God loves them more than I ever could. Those weren’t the exact words, but the message is the same. Just thinking of how much I was aching for them to experience, know, understand, and believe the Truth, and then knowing God’s aching is infinitely greater than I can even contain in my weak human existence. Oh my goodness! If only they knew! If only they knew that the very God that created the heavens and the earth, the very God that formed them in their mother’s womb, the very God that sent His ONE AND ONLY Son to DIE for OUR sins wants them to know how much He desperately loves them and wants to be loved by them. If only I could show them… they have NO IDEA how great His love is for them.
I’m thankful that God is working in my life to break my heart for the lost world in a way I wasn’t expecting. I’m so blessed to know that He loves me, ME, the very person whose sins nailed Him to the cross nearly 2000 years ago. To know that even though I feel this way, He feels it greater than I, but He allowed me this little glimpse into His heart. I know that God will give me the ability to cry again. I know that those I’m praying for by name will come to know the Lord. It’s only a matter of His perfect timing. And that I am willing to wait for.
Thanks for reading, If you have any thoughts or comments, please comment on the post. Thanks!! I love you all! and God loves you even more!
Alley, thank you so much for sharing this! I needed this encouragement from your example to continue in prayer even when there’s pain involved. This morning I heard a message at church from Colossians about Epaphras, who “wrestled in prayer”. To quote the pastor, “Prayer is not that easy.” But it’s such a comfort to know that our God cares more than we do for the burdens that weigh on us. It must be a great blessing to His heart to have us sharing His anguish. The pastor gave the example of David Livingstone, who having forsaken home, family and health for sake of bringing the Gospel to Africa, literally died while on his knees, praying. Wow. Thanks again – many blessings to you, my friend!