Fatherlessness and Manhood

A Wounded Heart’s Reflections on Growing Up

As I was reading a blog recently, I was taken aback by one of the opening statements:

“Most of us had absent fathers.”

Piercing. Piercing, because I am a part of that “most.” I was raised by a very strong and capable woman, was loved and provided for and never wanted for any physical needs, so why, I wonder, do I feel a such a deep void in my life today that stretches back to my childhood?

The answer is simple, but complicated: it’s because dad wasn’t there. Dad, like many men today, was a victim of his own poor upbringing, and through substance abuse, checked out early – way too early. He checked out so early that he never got to see either one of his boys walk an aisle past preschool graduation. He wasn’t there when I had my heart broken for the very first time, when I won my first wrestling match or when I got my driver’s license. He wasn’t there to congratulate me for doing well in school, for making good choices or for getting my first job.

Worst of all, he wasn’t there to show me how to be a man. I never learned what a loving husband looks like, or how a man is supposed to lead his family. So here I am, 18 years after his death wondering,

“What in the world am I supposed to do now?”

Not that I’m married yet, I’m not, but I suspect it’s not far down the road.

Taking nothing away from my mother, who was and continues to be amazing, there are just some things moms aren’t designed to do, and being a dad is one of them. Thankfully, mom was there every time dad wasn’t. My gratitude to God is continually increasing for that.

Dad’s gone. I’ve accepted that. What I’m now trying to accept now is that although I think I’m fatherless, I’m not. I’ve had a Father all along, just one that I can’t see with my physical eyes.

One of my goals coming into my second year of the School of Discipleship was to learn what it means to be a biblical man. I’m in awe of the faithfulness of God not only to put that desire in me, but to father me by teaching me what He has about manhood, and in the process, restoring to me what I’ve missed out on all these years. He’s brought men into my life that are committed to loving and investing in me. God is a God of restoration.

On this short journey, I’ve seen many things that have depressed and elated me. I’ve seen the standard for manhood: Jesus Christ, the perfect man who was tender, yet intrepid. In His zeal for God, he stood against corruption by clearing out swindlers who were defiling God’s house, yet had compassion on all who needed Him. He touched lepers and welcomed children, but didn’t shrink back from the agonizing pain of torture, and selflessly laid His life down for a creation that scorned Him.

That’s a big God.

What are the positives that I’ve seen on this journey? I’ve seen men embrace their role to serve and represent Jesus in their weaknesses and shortcomings, trusting in God to give them the courage they need to do their God-given duties. I’ve seen God respond to that trust by making otherwise incapable men capable of doing great things and commanding great respect from people in the process.

I’ve seen men who love their wives and kids, and demonstrate patience and gentleness with them, which is nothing short of a testimony to God’s power and faithfulness.

On the other hand…

I’ve seen men afraid to embrace their faults and failures and run away from the valorous calling that God gives to all men – to lead, take dominion, and demonstrate God’s strength and love to a hurting world.

I see men in their twenties behaving the way they did in their early teens because there was no man before them to demonstrate godliness.

I’ve seen young men hurt by dads who were there, but weren’t really there. Passivity is the easy thing to do in the home, and sadly, most men that are given responsibility over families have taken that route. I’ve seen men domineered and controlled by their wife or kids because they don’t feel like they’re capable of leading well.

I’ve seen young men find their value in things that aren’t Jesus. They look to young women for affirmation, potentially causing damage to them and the women by not guarding their hearts. They look to friends, to self, but not to Jesus. Insecurity and self-focus abounds as a result, which perpetuates the behavior of looking for value outside of Jesus.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this is when men, both young and old, out of emptiness, longing, and desperation, prey on women or scour the internet to feed their sinful passions. This is the deepest distortion of masculinity known to man – taking what is sacred, and perverting it because of selfish desires. Men, who should be protectors, become the ones who take captives.

May I please humbly say that I am aware of these things because I in some measure represent or am prone to all of them?

Despite fatherlessness devastating a generation, I think God is doing something in the hearts of men today. I believe God is restoring true masculinity to the church by starting with individual men and teaching them to live and to lead their families according to His Word. I believe God is moving in the hearts of men in this generation to give them something to fight for: God’s glory. He’s letting us know that we’re not fatherless. We’re not orphans. We’re sons, because God has adopted us and is recreating us in His image. Our value and worth are in Him, simply because He values us enough to give everything to purchase us (Matthew 13:44-46).

Men, we may be weak, insecure, and afraid, but we are strong, because God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. Our shortcomings aren’t barriers which keep us from Jesus, but are bridges to Him. We were made to fight. We can’t waste our lives on things that don’t matter. We can’t spend ourselves on the metaphors of sports and video games as substitutes for what’s real: struggle, battle, adventure, hard work, and most of all, victory.

Sure, we men try too hard to be strong and pretend like we’ve got it together because most of us are insecure. Am I doing that right now as I write this blog post? Probably, but I’m slowly learning that my strength IS my weakness, because, God’s power is made perfect in my weakness, and even in my failure, He is to be glorified and praised for the mercy and love He shows us, in spite of what we’re not or fail to be.

Please, pray for me, and for all men. Please pray that God would give us grace to humble ourselves and be okay with the fact that in God’s economy, manpower accomplishes nothing. Please pray that God will allow men to see that Jesus is better than anything this world has to offer. Pray that God will allow us to see that His grace is sufficient for us, and that it’s okay to be weak, so long as we never use it as an excuse to justify sin.

By God’s grace, let us be a generation of men who can give to others what wasn’t given to us.

Lord, only You can make a man. I’m just a little boy, but I want to be a man. Would you please do this for your sake, Father, please? Help us to love you and to know that you are better. Our hearts wander and are so easily enraptured by everything except You. Show us how you love us, and show us how to be like You, and to love people like You do. Make men out of this generation of boys who don’t know how to live selflessly and sacrificially. Make us brave in the face of uncertainties and chaos. Teach us how to make order, and teach us to trust you to find the courage we need to move forward, despite not knowing what to expect. We don’t know what we’re doing, Abba. Show us what Jesus did for us, please Lord. For your name’s sake, and for your glory’s sake, Father, please, do this. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

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The Faithful vs. the Faithless

“… if we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.” 2 Timothy 2:13

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6

“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.” Psalm 138:8

“… just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love…” Ephesians 1:4

“Now to Him who is able to keep youfrom stumbling, And to present you faultless Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy…” Jude 24

How many more promises need to be made by a God who is incapable of lying before I will believe Him? My Friend has promised that He will always be with me, yet somehow, I would rather try to do things on my own. The work I’ve been called to do is not mine, but His. He will perfect everything that concerns me. He will do it because He is faithful.

So, what role do I play in this?

“But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit,  keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.” Jude 20-21

“For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.” Hebrews 12:3

“Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.” Hebrews 3:15

“Therefore let that abide in you which you heard from the beginning. If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, you also will abide in the Son and in the Father.  And this is the promise that He has promised us—eternal life.” – 1 John 2:24-25

Abba, convince us of Your goodness, please. Convince us that You are for us, that You love us, and that no matter what we do, Your heart towards us never changes. Convince us that Your grace is true, and that all You require of us is to be weak, and willing to receive You in our weakness. Convince us, Papa, that when we are weak, You are strong. It’s what You’ve promised.

Teach us to believe You, and teach us to receive Your love. Teach us that you are trustworthy.

Thank You for allowing us to come before You in complete confidence. Thank You for sending Jesus to be our Hope, our Redemption, our Sanctification, our Righteousness, our LIFE.

Faithful Father, teach us how to love you. Through Jesus I ask this, amen.

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God Rocked My World!

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?
Psalm 8:4 KJV

 

I find myself asking this question today. What is my life, and who am I that God cares for me? I have done nothing good in my entire life apart from Jesus Christ. I find my thoughts consistent with Paul’s in Philippians 3:7-14: Everything that I used to hold onto and count as precious to me has practically turned into garbage compared to the glorious riches in Jesus Christ. For my first few days as a new student, I was completely shaken because my whole life since graduating college has been completely emerged in sin. I felt like an imposter being here. How and why would Jesus, the God of the Universe call me to give my life to Him? And why here at Gospel for Asia?

My whole life has earned me nothing but the wrath of God. Every “good” word and deed I’ve ever spoken and done have done nothing but store God’s wrath against me on the Day of Judgement. But after all of that, Jesus came and changed everything.

When did I start loving people? How are my passions the COMPLETE opposite of what they once were? I’m going to heaven? This is so hard to accept. But I believe Jesus. I believe God’s Word. While I was yet God’s enemy, He sent His son to take the punishment that I deserved for every crime that I’ve ever committed against God. The punishment for every single lie I’ve ever told, every object I’ve stolen, every woman I’ve lusted after, every ounce of anger that used to bubble in my being, every idol that I worshipped, every idle word and every curse against man and God that I’ve sputtered out of my mouth has all been taken from me and placed on Jesus’ shoulders. The love of God led me to faith and repentance, and I am now forgiven. I am forgiven because Jesus took my place.

Now, the only rational response is to abandon everything for this amazing King. The only decision that makes any sense at all in the light of this hilariously good news is to forget all of my dreams of “success” and to give up every fleeting pleasure on this earth in exchange for the only thing that will not burn away when all is said and done: The Kingdom of God. I can’t take ANYTHING with me when I die, so why not store up that which is waiting for me on the other side? God has made me a new man. He saw something in me and decided to call me His own.

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

 

May the whole world hear this beautiful news and know this same God that has rocked my world. Woe unto me if I preach not the Gospel.

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